I’ve been sick with the flu the past few days but I’ve been not feeling well on and off for the past two weeks, so it was bound to happen that I’d catch SOMETHING. I went to the doctor and got some antibiotics and was told to keep taking Dayquil for cough, etc. Okay, no problem. Normally even Dayquil can add a slight edge of drowsiness to me because of an interaction with my Paxil. Paxil interacts with EVERYTHING it seems, but nothing severe. Anyway, my cough got so bad that I had no choice but to take some cough medicine. Even after taking it, it only cut down 90% of the cough. I was still hacking once in a while. Well, I only took 4 doses and the “hangover” kicked in.

The “hangover” is what I call the absolute loopy/high feeling I get from the drowsy portion of the medicine interacting with the Paxil. It’s great for sleeping but the side effects are AWFUL for me. THIS IS WHY I AVOID NYQUIL LIKE THE PLAGUE. The stuff I took was like 1/2 the strength of Nyquil and I still got the hangover feeling. I slept decently all night – despite being unable to breathe through my nose (hello, mouth-breather!). However, I had an extremely weird dream throughout the night AND am left with a horrible still-drowsy-head-fog-half-functional feeling this morning.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE DREAM! I was in a mall that apparently also had a well manicured forest contained in its center. Very Tim Burton style. This evil guy kept chasing my friends and I around. His “super evil” form was Heath Ledger as The Joker but his make-up was all black around the eyes/mouth and he was in a silvery-black unitard. His “evil but normal” form was Neil Patrick Harris. When I was in the forest, the evil guy’s form was The Joker and when you got near the mall he changed to look like NPH. I have no idea WHY he was evil, WHY he was chasing us, but he just… was. I also remember that a few different times I would hide in this “fish market” area but the center of their stand was a bunch of small aquariums filled with tiny pet-style fish. The aquariums were all stacked up in a big cube but there were little sections I could lay on the floor and tuck myself into; looking up/around seeing nothing but blue water, seaweed, and swimming fish. This dream was from far, far, far left field. I usually remember my dreams, so this is nothing new. I’m also used to having weird dreams – often very gory dreams. However, this one just struck me as weird/funny because there’s no influence for it to have occurred.

SCARY?? Well, in the dream, yes. BUT YET ALSO AWESOME.

I’ve been craving something “new”. I really would love to get a new tattoo soon. Really, really, really. I just don’t have the money to save up. I need to get my roots bleached and put on more purple hair dye. I’d really love to get an iPhone, too. I miss having a cellphone, period, but I know how much use I’d actually get out of an iPhone (a lot). Recently I’ve spent some money on some new jewelry: some barbells for my industrial piercings, some regular lobe earrings, and a couple labret/monroe barbells. Unfortunately, the newest labrets I bought were the wrong size. It is NO FUN trying to stretch a lip piercing. I will not do that again. I definitely realized how big of a difference there is between a 16g (gauge) to a 14g in terms of stretching pain. I never really noticed it when I stretched my earlobes. And SPEAKING OF EARLOBES: I am completely beside myself on what I want to do with them. On one hand, I’d love to stretch them to a 0g or 00g. Currently I can fit a 10g taper in my right ear but my left ear can only accommodate a 12g. How this disparity occurred is beyond me. However, if I stretch, I’d want to get some secondary piercings next to the originals so that I could wear normal earrings (danglies, studs, etc – you know, girly things!). I also have this mindset that if I’m going to stretch my ears that far then why don’t I go bigger? And then BIGGER? I don’t really want discs in my ears, but I’d like to have decent size holes. Basically, I’d like best of both worlds when it comes to earrings. SO IN A NUTSHELL, I AM WAVERING AND DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY WITH DECISIONS.

Other than that, my husband and I have been enjoying ourselves in the company of friends. Whenever we can, we are out of the house and hanging out with SOMEBODY. Most of the time (and due to close proximity) it is with our “country” group of friends. I have come to appreciate them more and more. We may disagree sometimes politically but our attitudes and personalities match. Mellow, simple, fun. It doesn’t have to be loud or complicated. It doesn’t have to always involve alcohol (though it’s just as fun when it does). Sometimes, it’s just about playing UNO for 9 hours because IT’S FUN. I realize how much more I “fit in” in Kansas. How much I really love it here. How “at home” I am.

I definitely miss my family in Florida – and DON’T GET ME STARTED on how much we miss our dogs & cats. We’re basically in a waiting period on moving in to our own place. Many prayers and much energy is put forward every day to willing things to work out. I have faith that God will provide for us. I have faith that we will get into a place that is meant for us. We found a house that we really, really fell in love with in Topeka. We are all praying that will be the place we get into as our first house. We’re praying that, with all the hard work we’re doing, the money will come in on time and in the right amount. Hopefully by the end of this month or the beginning of next month.

Until then we are preoccupied with work, friends, and HOMEWORK. Massive amounts of homework. This month is a bit of a month from hell for me. There is so so so much homework each week for me. No matter how much I complain, however, I am extremely happy with my schooling situation. I am excelling, learning great things, and I am always excited for the next new class. My husband is doing the same in his degree and it’s wonderful. I’m proud of him. I look forward to each day with him and I look forward to our future.

There is nothing more true than this video.

(via SharonODell.com)

I haven’t been posting because life is just too hectic right now.

I haven’t been posting because I’ve been very busy with work and school.

I haven’t been posting because we’ve been enjoying our time relaxing when we can.

I haven’t been posting because we’ve been enjoying the company of our friends.

I haven’t been posting because we’ve been pouring all our energy into getting our own home.

I haven’t been posting because I don’t have a desk, or much space, and that breaks down my organization/habits.

I haven’t been posting because I want to update this blog’s look and feel.

I will return once I am able to stop surfing the waves of LIFE!

I haven’t had a lot of time or wherewithal to post about everything going on. I will, I promise. Changes for this site are on hold until we’re in a more stable situation (read: have desks, are in our own place again, aren’t so busy!). For now, I wanted to post this and say that I fully support Conan O’Brien and think that all this complete bullshit going on at NBC is WRONG. If he doesn’t stay with NBC, I will definitely be following him wherever he goes.

I am out of town for the entirety of the Christmas holidays, through the first week and a half of 2010. I’m also contemplating how (and if) I want to continue this blog. I’m going to have to consider this a mini-hiatus. I’ve got a lot on my plate by being busy with friends and family. Once I return back to normal-ville, I’m sure I’ll be returning to blogging in some capacity. Bear with me, I doubt I’ll be gone very long!

Things have been so off for me. Our sleep schedule is non-existent. Paul and I have been sleeping at random intervals. Go to bed at 11pm, wake up at 3am, go to bed at 4pm, wake up at 8pm, go to bed at 12am, wake up at 6am. That’s just the last 2-3 days, too. I can’t even keep track anymore. We just go to sleep when we’re tired and do our thing when we’re awake. No rhyme or reason. Hopefully it’ll smooth itself out soon. It feels like it might, thankfully.

Last week I got an early Christmas gift, or a belate birthday gift actually. I was finally able to get my hair done. It’s expensive to do but SO worth it! I feel a LOT better since having it done. I bleached my whole head and dyed it PURPLE! I feel so much more “normal” and like myself when my hair is a funky color. I’m very glad to have it dyed again! I also made sure to keep the length because I’ve grown accustomed to it. I get a giggle every day because I have to wash my neck/back to get the excess purple off. That’ll stop after about a month, luckily. Paul even got his hair done, too! It looks AMAZING.

Other than that we’ve been hanging out like normal. We’re SUPER ANTICIPATING something happening in December. Unfortunately, it involves a surprise so I can’t even talk about it yet! AHH! It’s frustrating because it’s exciting. We’re counting down the days. Thanksgiving was nice. We watched the Macy’s parade online, took a nap, did some cooking, and ate dinner with the family. We also got the Christmas season started by watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I’m finally feeling “ready” for the holidays. I’ve been listening to some Christmas music, planning my shopping lists for others, and enjoy some really nice chilly weather here in Florida! Surprisingly it’s been in the 60’s here, so we’ve had the windows open and taking in the chill. Sadly, because we’ve been down here for this long, 60°F feels cold to us. This is not acceptable. I’m also crossing my fingers for Christmas in more ways than one! I hope y’alls Thanksgiving was great and I can’t wait to write more come mid-December about what’s happening for us!

I’ve been doing a lot of, unprovoked, self-reflection lately. I don’t know what the hell has brought it on, I suppose it’s just me working past this depressive cycle. The past couple days has involved a lot of crying on my part but it’s only been helpful. I’ve been trying to remind myself of the fact that I am as impatient as they come and that leads to me being epicly frustrated. I’m a control freak when it comes to my own life. I want things to happen NOW; not “soon”, or “in the future”, or “getting there”. NOW. I also want things to go the way I planned, the way I hoped for, and the way I expected them. Changes, detours, obstacles, and the like just cause me to rage. Apparently, on top of all this, I’ve also been holding things inside far more than I knew. The little voices in my head (yes, sometimes in a “am I schitzophrenic?” kind of way) have been asking me prodding questions and saying negative things: “This project won’t work like you want it”, “Your outside doesn’t match your inside”, “You’ll never be able to have the look you want”, “You’re going to miss the prime target/time”. Basically, every fear or worry that’s manifested around me became a little voice in my head, making sure I really knew what I was up against.

So here I am. I’ve been avoiding my blog because, frankly, I don’t have anything I want to write about. I wanted to write about our trip to Epcot but that feels so far away now that the details seem fuzzy – and almost too personal to share. I really don’t know why that is, but there you have it. I do have plenty of pictures from the trip and even a few short videos. I think they really give off the feeling of the trip more than my words can. Suffice to say: it was amazing. We had an awesome time and enjoyed ourselves every moment – including the moments when we thought our feet/legs might disintegrate out from under us. I was also really proud how much I was able to walk without problem and how few times I had to rest (mostly towards the end). It was a great birthday and mini-honeymoon.

Currently I’m working on finishing up Math class for this month. I love math when I get it but otherwise I find it to be one of the classes I dislike the most. Algebra and I do not get along. It also kills me a little (and here’s another stress factor) that it is the class that will drop me out of a 4.0 GPA – which I’d maintained through 4 previous classes. I still plan to be leaving with an A but DAMN if my perfectionist side isn’t raging a little! I will just have to work harder to get back to a 4.0! Hmph! I am satisfied and happy with this way of school, however, and am always looking forward to the new classes and work (even in classes I may not enjoy). That’s worth it all the more: to be excited about school. It’s also a little thumb of the nose to KU, proving that I am a good student and that their system was what brought me down and not my inability to learn. I’m working on getting back into studying Japanese on my own time from home. I’ve found TONS of resources and ways to learn which makes me very happy that I can keep it all fresh in my mind. Even if it takes me twice as long as someone in formal classes, I will learn this language. It’s very important to me.

We’ve got some big plans coming up in December and a few fun things that will hopefully be coming up along the way until then. I will work on updating more as I keep going on, day to day. I think this was just a big hurdle I had to jump before feeling “okay” about blogging again. Thanks for sticking with me!

I almost feel timid writing here. I have stories to tell and things to share but I’ve been neglecting writing here. We went to Epcot for my birthday (and our mini-belated-honeymoon) and I want to dedicate an entire post to that alone because it was amazing. Since then, however, I’ve been battling myself and the nerfbats that life has decided to swing our way. Things could be MUCH worse, but things have been rough.

It seems that taking that trip to Orlando used up all my reserves of seratonin, adrenaline, and ability to cope. For a week or more, after returning home, I have been battling a very deep depressive swing in my bipolar. This is VERY strange for me. Very. I usually only have to deal with swinging from normal-to-mania-to-normal-to-mania. It’s been a few years since I’ve swung this low and into depression. I’m coming out of it slowly now, which is why I’m able to write this. I haven’t had much interest in anything lately. In the worst of it, all I wanted to do was sleep; felt the urge to cry often; was generally miserable and didn’t want to interact with ANYONE (including my husband some of the time). I could really only “tolerate” Paul and my Mom – and that was at my best. A lot of irritating things were going on in the house and there were some blow-ups (some of which I would prefer never happen again) but now things seem to be evening out for myself and everyone else. I’m just trying to get back into the swing of normal life again. Please be patient with me.

Living a life in limbo is akin to flying in turbulence: you never know when you’ll hit that next pocket of air and drop a few thousand feet.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my whole weight situation and the more I think about it the more complicated it becomes for me. Why? Well, let me preface by saying that I have always been the “big girl” in ANY age bracket since I was about 7 years old. My premature growth disorder caused me to balloon in weight and be about 1-2 feet taller than all my peers. My weight issues now stem from that medical situation and are continued on by other medical issues now. In guessing I’d say about 75% of my weight is due to medical rather than food problems. So, my issue now is about losing weight and what that means for me. Maybe this could be categorized into a “quarter life crisis” or maybe an “identity crisis” or maybe a “societal issue” of which I am a included. The best way I can begin this topic is by laying out the PROs and CONs of losing weight. Now, you might be asking: CONS? What CONS could there be to losing weight!?

PRO: more clothing/fashion options; ability to walk greater distances without becoming tired or out of breath; ability to enjoy more outdoor activities; possibility of less heat intolerance; possibility of less problems getting pregnant and/or having a baby; more energy to take care of a baby/child; less chance of health problems like heart disease, diabetes, etc., that come with obesity; less instances of “being able to fit” into things like regular airplane seats, rides, etc.; more opportunities to do all the things that really interest me?

CON: Here’s where it gets a little less “bullet point” and a little more “reality of me”. I live a rather sedentary lifestyle. I spend most of my day at the computer doing school, work, or playing games like World of Warcraft. Sure, that seems to enforce the stigma of conventional “nerds/geeks on the computer all day who live in their Mom’s basement”. Whatever. The issue is that, while I am on the computer most of the day it’s primarily by CHOICE. Just because I lose weight does not mean I will be raring to go outside all the time. It does not necessarily mean I will want to go out and DO DO DO. I am a quiet, home-body, type person. My anxiety creates that part of me as does my natural personality tendencies. Yes, losing weight will enable me to be ABLE to do a lot more but it doesn’t necessarily mean I WILL do more. I can also admit I am lazy sometimes. I simply sometimes don’t want to get up and do something – because of my weight or because I’m just LAZY. It happens to everyone.

I think most importantly is, while not the main cause of my weight problem, I LOVE FOOD. I love food. I rarely eat for “emotional” reasons and I’m not very big on desserts/sweets. My biggest problem is portion control because I eat for TASTE. That tastes good… I want more… and more… okay I finally feel stuffed (not full, stuffed). I make healthy choices but the emotional connection I have to “taste” is a problem. It tastes good = it feels good. That’s the emotional eating for me. Sadness does not mean I’m going to eat something. Sure, I have comfort foods and if I’m REALLY stressed I might fall back on them but it’s not my knee-jerk reaction. However, if I’m going to lose weight I know I have to cut back and be pickier about my food options and that is almost heartbreaking for me. I absolutely know I COULD do it but the problem is do I WANT to do it? How do I compromise in this area? This is where the huge issue of being torn in half on a big decision comes in.

Another huge factor in all of this is also the COST of losing weight. Healthy food, healthier options, medications and vitamins… all that stuff costs money. I don’t have money right now. People wonder why America has such a problem with obesity? Well, let me give you an example of that problem coupled with the economic problems of people: We can feed our family (5 adults) for $20 from a fast food restaurant FAR easier than we can from the store. $1 double cheeseburgers? Dollar menu’s in general? We can eat like “kings” from there while trying to feed 5 adults (who, by the way, a few are VERY picky) usually costs $30-40 just for a decent home cooked dinner. Sorry, I’d rather eat unhealthy hamburgers for 2 meals than one dinner from home for one night – that may or may not be putting together meat/carb/veg and may be lacking the portion size enough to even make me feel “full” (which leads to snacking or eating later). Not to mention the costs of surgery if I wanted to go that route – especially since I’m uninsured. That’s an even farther stretch.

I am used to being fat. It’s been a part of me, who I am, my whole life. My husband is okay with my weight – sure he supports me wanting to lose weight but he’s not pushing me to do it. It’s my choice. However, the stress and pain and identity crisis that follows seriously trying to lose weight (whether by surgery or natural/medical methods) is something I don’t know if I can cope with. I’m going to be 25 years old in 8 days. I want to travel, I want to do a lot of things that frankly can seem sort of daunting as an obese person. We’ve discussed beginning to try and conceive in a few years, another huge issue in my being torn over losing weight. Yes, fat women get pregnant all the time but you have higher risks of complication or miscarriage. If I successfully get pregnant and give birth, will I be able to handle the pressure of motherhood? That’s both a weight issue as well as a mental health issue I will have to endeavor. Not to mention we’d ideally like to have 2-3 kids. Now, I want to mention that we have talked about adoption. That is DEFINITELY an option for us, since my husband was technically adopted (his parents are actually his grandparents but he doesn’t treat them as such). However, what woman who wants children doesn’t want them to be from her own womb? I’d prefer that, even if it’s only ONE of our kids. I want to experience that. I’ve thought of other options that might be feasible: surrogacy using my egg and my husband’s seed is an option but is expensive and you have to find someone willing. There’s others, too, but still do not compare.

Overall, despite these debatable issues, I’m happy with myself 95% of the time. Yeah, I have the “I suck” moments like anyone else but it doesn’t consume me. I’m also relatively healthy despite my medical issues. Some come and go and some stay but I’m no longer at risk for diabetes, my cholesterol is good, and so on. Over time I know this can and probably will change as I get older if I stay heavy. I’ve still got things I want to do and goals I want to meet before that happens and right now I’m in limbo – financially and otherwise. I know it’s ridiculous but I feel like I’m running out of time to make important decisions that will effect my future. I want to start living my life and this is a huge section up for debate in my head and my heart. Where will my chips fall? What do I do?