I’ve been thinking a lot about my whole weight situation and the more I think about it the more complicated it becomes for me. Why? Well, let me preface by saying that I have always been the “big girl” in ANY age bracket since I was about 7 years old. My premature growth disorder caused me to balloon in weight and be about 1-2 feet taller than all my peers. My weight issues now stem from that medical situation and are continued on by other medical issues now. In guessing I’d say about 75% of my weight is due to medical rather than food problems. So, my issue now is about losing weight and what that means for me. Maybe this could be categorized into a “quarter life crisis” or maybe an “identity crisis” or maybe a “societal issue” of which I am a included. The best way I can begin this topic is by laying out the PROs and CONs of losing weight. Now, you might be asking: CONS? What CONS could there be to losing weight!?
PRO: more clothing/fashion options; ability to walk greater distances without becoming tired or out of breath; ability to enjoy more outdoor activities; possibility of less heat intolerance; possibility of less problems getting pregnant and/or having a baby; more energy to take care of a baby/child; less chance of health problems like heart disease, diabetes, etc., that come with obesity; less instances of “being able to fit” into things like regular airplane seats, rides, etc.; more opportunities to do all the things that really interest me?
CON: Here’s where it gets a little less “bullet point” and a little more “reality of me”. I live a rather sedentary lifestyle. I spend most of my day at the computer doing school, work, or playing games like World of Warcraft. Sure, that seems to enforce the stigma of conventional “nerds/geeks on the computer all day who live in their Mom’s basement”. Whatever. The issue is that, while I am on the computer most of the day it’s primarily by CHOICE. Just because I lose weight does not mean I will be raring to go outside all the time. It does not necessarily mean I will want to go out and DO DO DO. I am a quiet, home-body, type person. My anxiety creates that part of me as does my natural personality tendencies. Yes, losing weight will enable me to be ABLE to do a lot more but it doesn’t necessarily mean I WILL do more. I can also admit I am lazy sometimes. I simply sometimes don’t want to get up and do something – because of my weight or because I’m just LAZY. It happens to everyone.
I think most importantly is, while not the main cause of my weight problem, I LOVE FOOD. I love food. I rarely eat for “emotional” reasons and I’m not very big on desserts/sweets. My biggest problem is portion control because I eat for TASTE. That tastes good… I want more… and more… okay I finally feel stuffed (not full, stuffed). I make healthy choices but the emotional connection I have to “taste” is a problem. It tastes good = it feels good. That’s the emotional eating for me. Sadness does not mean I’m going to eat something. Sure, I have comfort foods and if I’m REALLY stressed I might fall back on them but it’s not my knee-jerk reaction. However, if I’m going to lose weight I know I have to cut back and be pickier about my food options and that is almost heartbreaking for me. I absolutely know I COULD do it but the problem is do I WANT to do it? How do I compromise in this area? This is where the huge issue of being torn in half on a big decision comes in.
Another huge factor in all of this is also the COST of losing weight. Healthy food, healthier options, medications and vitamins… all that stuff costs money. I don’t have money right now. People wonder why America has such a problem with obesity? Well, let me give you an example of that problem coupled with the economic problems of people: We can feed our family (5 adults) for $20 from a fast food restaurant FAR easier than we can from the store. $1 double cheeseburgers? Dollar menu’s in general? We can eat like “kings” from there while trying to feed 5 adults (who, by the way, a few are VERY picky) usually costs $30-40 just for a decent home cooked dinner. Sorry, I’d rather eat unhealthy hamburgers for 2 meals than one dinner from home for one night – that may or may not be putting together meat/carb/veg and may be lacking the portion size enough to even make me feel “full” (which leads to snacking or eating later). Not to mention the costs of surgery if I wanted to go that route – especially since I’m uninsured. That’s an even farther stretch.
I am used to being fat. It’s been a part of me, who I am, my whole life. My husband is okay with my weight – sure he supports me wanting to lose weight but he’s not pushing me to do it. It’s my choice. However, the stress and pain and identity crisis that follows seriously trying to lose weight (whether by surgery or natural/medical methods) is something I don’t know if I can cope with. I’m going to be 25 years old in 8 days. I want to travel, I want to do a lot of things that frankly can seem sort of daunting as an obese person. We’ve discussed beginning to try and conceive in a few years, another huge issue in my being torn over losing weight. Yes, fat women get pregnant all the time but you have higher risks of complication or miscarriage. If I successfully get pregnant and give birth, will I be able to handle the pressure of motherhood? That’s both a weight issue as well as a mental health issue I will have to endeavor. Not to mention we’d ideally like to have 2-3 kids. Now, I want to mention that we have talked about adoption. That is DEFINITELY an option for us, since my husband was technically adopted (his parents are actually his grandparents but he doesn’t treat them as such). However, what woman who wants children doesn’t want them to be from her own womb? I’d prefer that, even if it’s only ONE of our kids. I want to experience that. I’ve thought of other options that might be feasible: surrogacy using my egg and my husband’s seed is an option but is expensive and you have to find someone willing. There’s others, too, but still do not compare.
Overall, despite these debatable issues, I’m happy with myself 95% of the time. Yeah, I have the “I suck” moments like anyone else but it doesn’t consume me. I’m also relatively healthy despite my medical issues. Some come and go and some stay but I’m no longer at risk for diabetes, my cholesterol is good, and so on. Over time I know this can and probably will change as I get older if I stay heavy. I’ve still got things I want to do and goals I want to meet before that happens and right now I’m in limbo – financially and otherwise. I know it’s ridiculous but I feel like I’m running out of time to make important decisions that will effect my future. I want to start living my life and this is a huge section up for debate in my head and my heart. Where will my chips fall? What do I do?