There is nothing more true than this video.

(via SharonODell.com)

I haven’t been posting because life is just too hectic right now.

I haven’t been posting because I’ve been very busy with work and school.

I haven’t been posting because we’ve been enjoying our time relaxing when we can.

I haven’t been posting because we’ve been enjoying the company of our friends.

I haven’t been posting because we’ve been pouring all our energy into getting our own home.

I haven’t been posting because I don’t have a desk, or much space, and that breaks down my organization/habits.

I haven’t been posting because I want to update this blog’s look and feel.

I will return once I am able to stop surfing the waves of LIFE!

I haven’t had a lot of time or wherewithal to post about everything going on. I will, I promise. Changes for this site are on hold until we’re in a more stable situation (read: have desks, are in our own place again, aren’t so busy!). For now, I wanted to post this and say that I fully support Conan O’Brien and think that all this complete bullshit going on at NBC is WRONG. If he doesn’t stay with NBC, I will definitely be following him wherever he goes.

I am out of town for the entirety of the Christmas holidays, through the first week and a half of 2010. I’m also contemplating how (and if) I want to continue this blog. I’m going to have to consider this a mini-hiatus. I’ve got a lot on my plate by being busy with friends and family. Once I return back to normal-ville, I’m sure I’ll be returning to blogging in some capacity. Bear with me, I doubt I’ll be gone very long!

Things have been so off for me. Our sleep schedule is non-existent. Paul and I have been sleeping at random intervals. Go to bed at 11pm, wake up at 3am, go to bed at 4pm, wake up at 8pm, go to bed at 12am, wake up at 6am. That’s just the last 2-3 days, too. I can’t even keep track anymore. We just go to sleep when we’re tired and do our thing when we’re awake. No rhyme or reason. Hopefully it’ll smooth itself out soon. It feels like it might, thankfully.

Last week I got an early Christmas gift, or a belate birthday gift actually. I was finally able to get my hair done. It’s expensive to do but SO worth it! I feel a LOT better since having it done. I bleached my whole head and dyed it PURPLE! I feel so much more “normal” and like myself when my hair is a funky color. I’m very glad to have it dyed again! I also made sure to keep the length because I’ve grown accustomed to it. I get a giggle every day because I have to wash my neck/back to get the excess purple off. That’ll stop after about a month, luckily. Paul even got his hair done, too! It looks AMAZING.

Other than that we’ve been hanging out like normal. We’re SUPER ANTICIPATING something happening in December. Unfortunately, it involves a surprise so I can’t even talk about it yet! AHH! It’s frustrating because it’s exciting. We’re counting down the days. Thanksgiving was nice. We watched the Macy’s parade online, took a nap, did some cooking, and ate dinner with the family. We also got the Christmas season started by watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I’m finally feeling “ready” for the holidays. I’ve been listening to some Christmas music, planning my shopping lists for others, and enjoy some really nice chilly weather here in Florida! Surprisingly it’s been in the 60’s here, so we’ve had the windows open and taking in the chill. Sadly, because we’ve been down here for this long, 60°F feels cold to us. This is not acceptable. I’m also crossing my fingers for Christmas in more ways than one! I hope y’alls Thanksgiving was great and I can’t wait to write more come mid-December about what’s happening for us!

I’ve been doing a lot of, unprovoked, self-reflection lately. I don’t know what the hell has brought it on, I suppose it’s just me working past this depressive cycle. The past couple days has involved a lot of crying on my part but it’s only been helpful. I’ve been trying to remind myself of the fact that I am as impatient as they come and that leads to me being epicly frustrated. I’m a control freak when it comes to my own life. I want things to happen NOW; not “soon”, or “in the future”, or “getting there”. NOW. I also want things to go the way I planned, the way I hoped for, and the way I expected them. Changes, detours, obstacles, and the like just cause me to rage. Apparently, on top of all this, I’ve also been holding things inside far more than I knew. The little voices in my head (yes, sometimes in a “am I schitzophrenic?” kind of way) have been asking me prodding questions and saying negative things: “This project won’t work like you want it”, “Your outside doesn’t match your inside”, “You’ll never be able to have the look you want”, “You’re going to miss the prime target/time”. Basically, every fear or worry that’s manifested around me became a little voice in my head, making sure I really knew what I was up against.

So here I am. I’ve been avoiding my blog because, frankly, I don’t have anything I want to write about. I wanted to write about our trip to Epcot but that feels so far away now that the details seem fuzzy – and almost too personal to share. I really don’t know why that is, but there you have it. I do have plenty of pictures from the trip and even a few short videos. I think they really give off the feeling of the trip more than my words can. Suffice to say: it was amazing. We had an awesome time and enjoyed ourselves every moment – including the moments when we thought our feet/legs might disintegrate out from under us. I was also really proud how much I was able to walk without problem and how few times I had to rest (mostly towards the end). It was a great birthday and mini-honeymoon.

Currently I’m working on finishing up Math class for this month. I love math when I get it but otherwise I find it to be one of the classes I dislike the most. Algebra and I do not get along. It also kills me a little (and here’s another stress factor) that it is the class that will drop me out of a 4.0 GPA – which I’d maintained through 4 previous classes. I still plan to be leaving with an A but DAMN if my perfectionist side isn’t raging a little! I will just have to work harder to get back to a 4.0! Hmph! I am satisfied and happy with this way of school, however, and am always looking forward to the new classes and work (even in classes I may not enjoy). That’s worth it all the more: to be excited about school. It’s also a little thumb of the nose to KU, proving that I am a good student and that their system was what brought me down and not my inability to learn. I’m working on getting back into studying Japanese on my own time from home. I’ve found TONS of resources and ways to learn which makes me very happy that I can keep it all fresh in my mind. Even if it takes me twice as long as someone in formal classes, I will learn this language. It’s very important to me.

We’ve got some big plans coming up in December and a few fun things that will hopefully be coming up along the way until then. I will work on updating more as I keep going on, day to day. I think this was just a big hurdle I had to jump before feeling “okay” about blogging again. Thanks for sticking with me!

I almost feel timid writing here. I have stories to tell and things to share but I’ve been neglecting writing here. We went to Epcot for my birthday (and our mini-belated-honeymoon) and I want to dedicate an entire post to that alone because it was amazing. Since then, however, I’ve been battling myself and the nerfbats that life has decided to swing our way. Things could be MUCH worse, but things have been rough.

It seems that taking that trip to Orlando used up all my reserves of seratonin, adrenaline, and ability to cope. For a week or more, after returning home, I have been battling a very deep depressive swing in my bipolar. This is VERY strange for me. Very. I usually only have to deal with swinging from normal-to-mania-to-normal-to-mania. It’s been a few years since I’ve swung this low and into depression. I’m coming out of it slowly now, which is why I’m able to write this. I haven’t had much interest in anything lately. In the worst of it, all I wanted to do was sleep; felt the urge to cry often; was generally miserable and didn’t want to interact with ANYONE (including my husband some of the time). I could really only “tolerate” Paul and my Mom – and that was at my best. A lot of irritating things were going on in the house and there were some blow-ups (some of which I would prefer never happen again) but now things seem to be evening out for myself and everyone else. I’m just trying to get back into the swing of normal life again. Please be patient with me.

Living a life in limbo is akin to flying in turbulence: you never know when you’ll hit that next pocket of air and drop a few thousand feet.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my whole weight situation and the more I think about it the more complicated it becomes for me. Why? Well, let me preface by saying that I have always been the “big girl” in ANY age bracket since I was about 7 years old. My premature growth disorder caused me to balloon in weight and be about 1-2 feet taller than all my peers. My weight issues now stem from that medical situation and are continued on by other medical issues now. In guessing I’d say about 75% of my weight is due to medical rather than food problems. So, my issue now is about losing weight and what that means for me. Maybe this could be categorized into a “quarter life crisis” or maybe an “identity crisis” or maybe a “societal issue” of which I am a included. The best way I can begin this topic is by laying out the PROs and CONs of losing weight. Now, you might be asking: CONS? What CONS could there be to losing weight!?

PRO: more clothing/fashion options; ability to walk greater distances without becoming tired or out of breath; ability to enjoy more outdoor activities; possibility of less heat intolerance; possibility of less problems getting pregnant and/or having a baby; more energy to take care of a baby/child; less chance of health problems like heart disease, diabetes, etc., that come with obesity; less instances of “being able to fit” into things like regular airplane seats, rides, etc.; more opportunities to do all the things that really interest me?

CON: Here’s where it gets a little less “bullet point” and a little more “reality of me”. I live a rather sedentary lifestyle. I spend most of my day at the computer doing school, work, or playing games like World of Warcraft. Sure, that seems to enforce the stigma of conventional “nerds/geeks on the computer all day who live in their Mom’s basement”. Whatever. The issue is that, while I am on the computer most of the day it’s primarily by CHOICE. Just because I lose weight does not mean I will be raring to go outside all the time. It does not necessarily mean I will want to go out and DO DO DO. I am a quiet, home-body, type person. My anxiety creates that part of me as does my natural personality tendencies. Yes, losing weight will enable me to be ABLE to do a lot more but it doesn’t necessarily mean I WILL do more. I can also admit I am lazy sometimes. I simply sometimes don’t want to get up and do something – because of my weight or because I’m just LAZY. It happens to everyone.

I think most importantly is, while not the main cause of my weight problem, I LOVE FOOD. I love food. I rarely eat for “emotional” reasons and I’m not very big on desserts/sweets. My biggest problem is portion control because I eat for TASTE. That tastes good… I want more… and more… okay I finally feel stuffed (not full, stuffed). I make healthy choices but the emotional connection I have to “taste” is a problem. It tastes good = it feels good. That’s the emotional eating for me. Sadness does not mean I’m going to eat something. Sure, I have comfort foods and if I’m REALLY stressed I might fall back on them but it’s not my knee-jerk reaction. However, if I’m going to lose weight I know I have to cut back and be pickier about my food options and that is almost heartbreaking for me. I absolutely know I COULD do it but the problem is do I WANT to do it? How do I compromise in this area? This is where the huge issue of being torn in half on a big decision comes in.

Another huge factor in all of this is also the COST of losing weight. Healthy food, healthier options, medications and vitamins… all that stuff costs money. I don’t have money right now. People wonder why America has such a problem with obesity? Well, let me give you an example of that problem coupled with the economic problems of people: We can feed our family (5 adults) for $20 from a fast food restaurant FAR easier than we can from the store. $1 double cheeseburgers? Dollar menu’s in general? We can eat like “kings” from there while trying to feed 5 adults (who, by the way, a few are VERY picky) usually costs $30-40 just for a decent home cooked dinner. Sorry, I’d rather eat unhealthy hamburgers for 2 meals than one dinner from home for one night – that may or may not be putting together meat/carb/veg and may be lacking the portion size enough to even make me feel “full” (which leads to snacking or eating later). Not to mention the costs of surgery if I wanted to go that route – especially since I’m uninsured. That’s an even farther stretch.

I am used to being fat. It’s been a part of me, who I am, my whole life. My husband is okay with my weight – sure he supports me wanting to lose weight but he’s not pushing me to do it. It’s my choice. However, the stress and pain and identity crisis that follows seriously trying to lose weight (whether by surgery or natural/medical methods) is something I don’t know if I can cope with. I’m going to be 25 years old in 8 days. I want to travel, I want to do a lot of things that frankly can seem sort of daunting as an obese person. We’ve discussed beginning to try and conceive in a few years, another huge issue in my being torn over losing weight. Yes, fat women get pregnant all the time but you have higher risks of complication or miscarriage. If I successfully get pregnant and give birth, will I be able to handle the pressure of motherhood? That’s both a weight issue as well as a mental health issue I will have to endeavor. Not to mention we’d ideally like to have 2-3 kids. Now, I want to mention that we have talked about adoption. That is DEFINITELY an option for us, since my husband was technically adopted (his parents are actually his grandparents but he doesn’t treat them as such). However, what woman who wants children doesn’t want them to be from her own womb? I’d prefer that, even if it’s only ONE of our kids. I want to experience that. I’ve thought of other options that might be feasible: surrogacy using my egg and my husband’s seed is an option but is expensive and you have to find someone willing. There’s others, too, but still do not compare.

Overall, despite these debatable issues, I’m happy with myself 95% of the time. Yeah, I have the “I suck” moments like anyone else but it doesn’t consume me. I’m also relatively healthy despite my medical issues. Some come and go and some stay but I’m no longer at risk for diabetes, my cholesterol is good, and so on. Over time I know this can and probably will change as I get older if I stay heavy. I’ve still got things I want to do and goals I want to meet before that happens and right now I’m in limbo – financially and otherwise. I know it’s ridiculous but I feel like I’m running out of time to make important decisions that will effect my future. I want to start living my life and this is a huge section up for debate in my head and my heart. Where will my chips fall? What do I do?

I had forgot to post this until now but I thought it was funny. As our class in Designing Computer Graphics was coming to a close, our teacher was giving us information on the ending projects, etc. Perhaps it was a mistake in typing but this funny, yet truthful, admission gave me a good giggle at his encouragement gone awry:

Oh boy, thanks Teach'!

My new vitamin regime

So I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been busy. Oh, and in pain, but mostly busy. We went to the doctor and I was given some thyroid stimulating medicine (liothyronine), a new diet and vitamin regime, and sent on my way. I’m supposed to go back at the end of the month for a check-in on any progress and also to begin the next step in medicine adjustments, etc. Apparently my thyroid pills are a high dose but I still wasn’t getting enough to regulate my levels. It was also what’s been causing my severe lack of energy. So far, they’re helping a LOT. I still get “oh my god I’m EXHAUSTED” feeling in the afternoons but that seems to be more a matter of possibly spacing out the medicine or figuring it out. I’ve always been a sort of nap-prone person. As for the vitamins, they’re going well. I had to cut back on the Omega-3 pills (originally I was supposed to take 10/day which is 10,000mg) but side effects made me cut back to 5/day for now. I feel generally better constitutionally, I’m not dragging ass like I normally was every day.

Paul and I have been busy lately with school and play. We spent our 6-month anniversary of marriage going out to have absolutely amazing sushi and watching a movie at home. We’ve gotten back into play World of Warcraft a LOT more now that we’ve got a lot of friends playing AND a new guild which we’re RAIDING in. It’s so nice to be back raiding with people, even if we’re only doing 10-man content for now. It’s great. For a while we’d hit a huge slump in the enjoyment of the game due to lack of people to group with and drama. OH THE DRAMA LLAMAS ARE EVERYWHERE. School is going great for us both. I am currently maintaining a 4.0 GPA and loving my classes more than I can express. I’m even taking strides to learn Japanese at home (for now) to keep it fresh in my mind and learn kanji better. It’s hard to navigate the speaking/writing portion of studying Japanese from home but my reading/comprehension skills in it are steadily increasing which is awesome! Paul and I are also keeping our eyes and ears open for our future because there seem to be a few job opportunities breaching the horizon for us. We’re not sure where we’ll end up but we’re just riding things out until something finally happens.

For the past 2 weeks I’ve been fighting a back spasm that originated as a pinch near my spine and grew, and grew, and grew into a massive muscle spasm from my spine to the left side of my lower back. It was painful to sit, to stand, to walk, to lay down. Yesterday was my breaking point as the spasm had become so bad my stomach muscles were heaving as I tried to lay down and relax. I was nauseous and crying and gave in to going to the E.R. for help. My current doctor wasn’t available soon enough as we couldn’t get ahold of him, so the ER was the only other option. Unfortunately, it was agony getting there AND THEN I managed to get the doctor who won the “Asshole of the Year” award for 5 years straight (that’d be how many years he’s been doing ER medicine, he told us). I waited in the ER room for 20 minutes, which was surprisingly short – HOWEVER, there were only like 4 other rooms occupied in the whole ER. It was freakin’ QUIET for an ER. So, the doctor comes breezing in, begins asking me assessment questions and giving me a look I hate more than anything: the “Are You Telling The Truth?” skeptical look. UGH. Seriously, I want to punch out every doctor who makes that face. Anyway, he comes around to listen to my lungs with a stethoscope and remarks “You have a lot of dandruff, you know that?” AND FOR REAL, I was sitting there thinking “EXCUSE ME!? I just finished telling you WHY I’m here and you’re asking me about DANDRUFF? What the FUCK does that have to do with diagnosing my SEVERE BACK PAIN?” I explained to him it was part of a skin condition that also effects my face. He shrugged it off and then began poking me in the back… Does this hurt? Not there. Does this hurt? Yes. Does this hurt? OW, YES. Does this hurt? WHAT DID I JUST SAY? I kid you not when he then turns back to his chart and tells me he’s going to prescribe me some pain medicine. Okay, sure, fine, that’s what I figured I’d need and would receive but… isn’t there more? Should we investigate this further? I can barely walk, I can’t get comfortable ANYWHERE, and it’s in my SPINE. My Mom was PISSED OFF, too. She made the nurse bring the doctor back when she read the discharge papers that said “Diagnosis: Back Pain”. BACK PAIN IS NOT A DIAGNOSIS, it’s a SYMPTOM. Apparently Captain Obvious runs the emergency room. The doctor basically told her that unless I was unable to control my bowels, had tingling in my feet/toes (because stabbing, nauseating pain doesn’t count), or was paralyzed there was nothing more he could do. Oh, but I was being referred to a specialist to follow-up with as well as my regular doctor. Gee, thanks, that doesn’t nothing for me when I don’t have insurance and can’t AFFORD it. It’s also the reason I’m here in the ER because it HURTS and needs attention NOW. Needless to say, it was a BAD experience.

So now, I sit here, taking 5-10mg Flexeril and 800mg of Motrin 3x/day. My back numbs out (and boy do I sleep a LOT) but it’s not BETTER. We’ll see how things go until the pain meds run out and if it’s still not better then… well, I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to figure that out when we come to it. For now, I can feel those pills kicking in and it’s making it very hard to keep coherent; so before I begin rambling (and apologies if I already have begun to do so) or talking about pink elephants or something I will bring this post to a close!